Thought these would bring a smile to some of you!
Words Of Wisdom
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."7. Money can't buy happiness but itsure makes misery easier to live with.8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.12. If life deals you lemons, makelemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been